i'll rest on it

do you know that feeling of when you're at a party and all your closest friends have a significant other or at least someone they share feelings with and you tend to do your own thing, be it smoke cigarettes outside or hang out around the drinks? i dont understand. well, i kind of do. i fucked up my social tact a long time ago thanks to depression. i can't hold a conversation for the life of me, or at least whats left of it. i'm weird, and its hard getting to know me now. i have a few friends who know me, but deep down inside you feel like you can't completely relate. i'm not certain at all how i should go about my ways. everyday i hope a little bit more that there is a reset button on me somewhere so i can just fucking...

identity crisis

empty progress

well, i'm going to college and i made it out of high school. hooray. i'm beginning to think i don't have situational depression. could it be... dun dun dun... manic depression? well fuck i never saw it coming.

spent today reading and pushing myself further from those i know. i'm a dead man.

higher than these buildings

i hardly slept. my lungs are dead. everyone is someone but i'm below with the fuckin rats. i forgot how to love. i still have a cloudy thought process that doesn't do anything good for anyone but those wanting someone to laugh at. i feel like i haven't smoked a cigarette in 20 years, or someone wrung out my insides. what the hell is wrong with me?

crook with a badge

the amount of gay bashing nowadays is fucking disgusting. the sad part? kids don't even realize it. calling everything gay is not fucking cool, assholes. you may think you support gays and have no problem with em, but you should say that after stepping outta your sheltered fucking life. it is a waste of breath to even use that as a term to put something or someone down. learn how to evolve past your stupid social defects.

4357

i'm a dreamless romantic. i feel the need, but i see only reality. is this what it is supposed to be like? social tact... still up in the air. i'm confusing everyone for the lover. this is turning into something bad. i slept for 5 hours and could have slept into next morning. i woke up to my mother telling me she'll make me dinner. i didn't remember my dream.

everyday, something new is lacking. where did i put it?

you could be dead

the weather is getting nicer outside, but the weather inside is getting worse. my eyes are very heavy. too much contemplation tonight on my social and romantic abilities. chances of me dying alone? 2:3. something inside of me stopped...?
i get jealous of people and how well they bond with others. i don't do that. i stand and stare and everything becomes awkward and i run out of topics. god, is this what it is like? things just aren't the same as they used to be...

it's scary going outside. i sat in my bed a few days ago and thought of my may curse. bad things happen a lot. those bad things could be fatal. i could be dead. well, shit. what is it that is making me feel so fucking alone? you're in my past, you dont really bother me anymore. but now its not you anymore, its actually me. what is it?

my raised edge

im at work. i have hardly slept. i had a nightmare about zombies and trying to escape them, but they killed half of everyone i knew. then i was in a mall that felt really familiar. i keep thinking about a subway that goes through a zoo filled with water and trees, and going on a train in a big tunnel. its nonsensical thoughts like this that make me feel right at home in nostalgia.
funerot tonight. i dont know if i will go. i feel a little sick and kind of weird. i can't believe i posted about that party back in february. i thought it was last month. what the fuck. i feel very weird.
nothing has felt real for the past few days. on my own. thinking. too much ahead of me, too little behind me. what the hell is going on? please be 4:30 already.