incursion

time flies way too fast on my own. im trying to make every second count, but nothing happens. my mind is drawing a blank right now and i can't describe it. empty? still. i want to be warm and full off of life, but i just cant be satisified until...

my job eats my mornings and afternoons. at night i eat whatever i can find in the fridge. my fridge eats my paychecks. my paychecks eat me. i eat me.

i want an accent or learn another language. that costs money. i'm insane.

i'll rest on it

do you know that feeling of when you're at a party and all your closest friends have a significant other or at least someone they share feelings with and you tend to do your own thing, be it smoke cigarettes outside or hang out around the drinks? i dont understand. well, i kind of do. i fucked up my social tact a long time ago thanks to depression. i can't hold a conversation for the life of me, or at least whats left of it. i'm weird, and its hard getting to know me now. i have a few friends who know me, but deep down inside you feel like you can't completely relate. i'm not certain at all how i should go about my ways. everyday i hope a little bit more that there is a reset button on me somewhere so i can just fucking...

identity crisis

empty progress

well, i'm going to college and i made it out of high school. hooray. i'm beginning to think i don't have situational depression. could it be... dun dun dun... manic depression? well fuck i never saw it coming.

spent today reading and pushing myself further from those i know. i'm a dead man.

higher than these buildings

i hardly slept. my lungs are dead. everyone is someone but i'm below with the fuckin rats. i forgot how to love. i still have a cloudy thought process that doesn't do anything good for anyone but those wanting someone to laugh at. i feel like i haven't smoked a cigarette in 20 years, or someone wrung out my insides. what the hell is wrong with me?

crook with a badge

the amount of gay bashing nowadays is fucking disgusting. the sad part? kids don't even realize it. calling everything gay is not fucking cool, assholes. you may think you support gays and have no problem with em, but you should say that after stepping outta your sheltered fucking life. it is a waste of breath to even use that as a term to put something or someone down. learn how to evolve past your stupid social defects.

4357

i'm a dreamless romantic. i feel the need, but i see only reality. is this what it is supposed to be like? social tact... still up in the air. i'm confusing everyone for the lover. this is turning into something bad. i slept for 5 hours and could have slept into next morning. i woke up to my mother telling me she'll make me dinner. i didn't remember my dream.

everyday, something new is lacking. where did i put it?

you could be dead

the weather is getting nicer outside, but the weather inside is getting worse. my eyes are very heavy. too much contemplation tonight on my social and romantic abilities. chances of me dying alone? 2:3. something inside of me stopped...?
i get jealous of people and how well they bond with others. i don't do that. i stand and stare and everything becomes awkward and i run out of topics. god, is this what it is like? things just aren't the same as they used to be...

it's scary going outside. i sat in my bed a few days ago and thought of my may curse. bad things happen a lot. those bad things could be fatal. i could be dead. well, shit. what is it that is making me feel so fucking alone? you're in my past, you dont really bother me anymore. but now its not you anymore, its actually me. what is it?

my raised edge

im at work. i have hardly slept. i had a nightmare about zombies and trying to escape them, but they killed half of everyone i knew. then i was in a mall that felt really familiar. i keep thinking about a subway that goes through a zoo filled with water and trees, and going on a train in a big tunnel. its nonsensical thoughts like this that make me feel right at home in nostalgia.
funerot tonight. i dont know if i will go. i feel a little sick and kind of weird. i can't believe i posted about that party back in february. i thought it was last month. what the fuck. i feel very weird.
nothing has felt real for the past few days. on my own. thinking. too much ahead of me, too little behind me. what the hell is going on? please be 4:30 already.

put your foot on the gas and leave it there till you crash

i cannot believe i asked you that question. im a fucking doll for asking that and i hope you have fun. im an idiot im an idiot im an idiot.

i spent my friday night with panic attacks because everything was happening way too fast. i puked over the side of the porch a couple times. God, if you're out there, just lemme know when enough is enough. im a goddamned doll.

here it is

right when i think im about to have another nervous breakdown, i write more lyrics. it isn't helping. regardless i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die nothing feels good everyone is dead to me dead dead dead dead dead

useless useless useless

theres no fucking point to all this. you ain't gonna be remembered, just forgotten. when she is soaking up all the fame, you can watch from a green recliner while you count all your regrets. this is not going anywhere but downhill. down. fucking. hill. dont even bother. i wont pick up. dont dont dont dont dont...

dont you panic give it one more try

im teetering at the edge of my sanity as we speak. i have the flu and im completely exhausted and weak feeling. i woke up for an hour at 12, then went back to bed for 7 hours. i also have a gum infection and it hurts to smile. it fucking sucks. theres a party this friday but i dont know if i'll be able to make it in the current state i find myself in.
i walked home at midnight with a checklist of my ex bestfriends.
once again i find myself in this disposition that i can't understand anything or why things happen. its like those calvin and hobbes comic strips where each panel shows a part of calvin's day except its totally shitty and everything goes wrong. its kind of like that right now. i have no idea what im doing wrong, except apparently im a total asshole, im boring as shit and immature. excuse me for living.
sigh
i just dont know anymore...

the prophets eye

i made a breakfast sandwich again for dinner. i need to pick up more soy cheese. my friends are slowly starting to feel less and less like friends. im downloading an album. no, dont worry, it was originally for free. i can't ride bikes, i can't play guitar, aiming to be a vegan is stupid, i suck at video games and i hate myself. hate hate hate hate, thats all i hear. im a stupid asshole and a jerk, i surrounded myself in it and now thats all there is to it. wake up, fake a smile, kill myself a little more and sleep. repeat repeat repeat. im boring, stupid and useless. talk to me again in 20 years. by then you wouln't have even realized i left. almost out of mountain dew.